Ode to My Dogs :-)

So I have two dogs, three if you count my boyfriend's dog in the mix....which I do! He too is like one of my babies. I am such an aminal lover and my dogs literally keep me sane, which is a big undertaking on their part! After Brett died and I spent the next year living alone, my two boys, Luke and Gino were all I had. Everytime I was upset they would both stay right by my side (like they weren't already always by my side). I felt better just having them there and safer too....because lets face it, living alone as a woman isn't a joke, especially where I was living at the time. Neither one of them could ever really "defend me" but I'll tell you what if someone broke it, I and the entire neighboorhood would know it.  I would like to introduce them to you.....

Lucas (aka, Dookie, Luke, Lukie, Shithead (my dad's fav lol)):
We got luke in April of 2008, my mom bought him for us from a pet store, which was never how Brett and I planned on getting our first dog but she was trying to make us feel better. A good friend of mine, Andre had passed away and I was pretty upset over the whole thing. One day she came home from work with this tiny little guy in her arms. She handed him over to me and I fell in love. Brett immediatley named him "Luke" because he had a dark mussle and reminded him of Darth Vader (I always thought Vader would have been a better name, but who am I lol).

This was the first night we had him....CUTE!

The story behind why she picked Luke was that she went to a pet store near where we lived and asked for a Boxer puppy.....they said all they had was Puggles. She looked them over and thought they weren't that cute so she asked if they had anymore dogs. The lady said they had a few more in the bad but they were "rejects" (how mean right?!). That was when she brought out Luke....he was considered a reject because he had the short mussle and was bread to have a longer one, he was discounted. Poor dookie!!! We loved him and thought he was great!!

Things that make you go hmmmm

First of all, who recognizes the title??? only people around my age probably! I used to love that song lol :-)

I wanted to write this post to share the things in my life that make me happy, make me who I am and inspire me.

My favorite things of all time.....
1. Music, music, music...when I am down, thoughful, happy, whatever I always listen to music! Some of my all time favorite singers/groups include: Alanis Morisette, Lifehouse, Dave Matthews, Seether, Aerosmith, Green Day, Barenaked Ladies, Blink 182, Metalica, Joe Satriani - I'm going to stop there but I could literally write an entire post on just music and how it has impacted my life (hmm..idea for another post?, possibly)
2. Animals - I love animals, all animals. I currently live in a house with 3 dogs and 2 cats and I love every second of the zoo-like craziness! When I was a kid I wanted to grow up to be a Vet but then I realized that for some reason (don't take this the wrong way) but I can handle human suffering more than animal suffering. What kills me everytime are those Natalie Merchant commercials with the dogs and cats locked in cages.....I literally HAVE to turn the channel or I will completely lose my shit.
3. Writing - I have been writing for as long as I can remember, not for accomplishment but for self reflection and release. From the time I was 10 until just recently I kept a hand written journal (and yes, I have actually went back and read some of the entries, crazy how life changes). I also like to write poetry and short stories.
4. Of course the people I love and who love me...this would obviously (I'm assuming this goes without saying but I'll say it anyways) be top priority to me. I have a VERY small family, I am an only child and my biological family (that I have relationships with) literally consists of my mom, her mother and her brother. I have been distant from my dad's family since he passed away, I'm not sure why we just lost touch. Brett's family is awesome which I already spoke about. My friends mean a lot to me as well. Anyone willing to love me for me and stand by me when I need them.....favs!

Some things I don't like very much:
- judgmental people, people who think they are somehow better than someone else
- liars and people that cannot be trusted or relied upon to watch your back
- BIGGEST pet peave....people who "hit below the belt", I literally cannot stand people who take other people's weaknesses and use them against them! that breaks my heart and I will defend anyone on this one
- on a casual note, I hate bees, wasps, anything that chases me and stings me - I am SO not the girl that can stand by idly while something buzzes around my head "just stand stand still and they won't sting you"....F THAT! I'm swatting a bitch!

Random favs:
- wind, trees, laying in the grass
- fireworks
- long car rides (with loads of music of course)
- cake!
- ice cold pop....ICE COLD, slurpees perferred!
- TV and movies
- fluffy blankets
- food, really food of any kind is good enough for me
- the color purple (not the movie)
- new pens!!
- mechanical pencils
- Disney movies (Lion King was my all time favorite)
- sleep
- snow storms

Ok, I'm done for now! Goodnight all :)

Hello world...

Hey there everyone! My name is Janice (although I have been going by my middle name which is Nicole since I was 19 years old). I am complicated, emotional, fun loving and determined to get my life back on track. For those of you who have read my previous blog www.cancerandwidowhoodcannot.org know all about how I lost my husband to cancer in March of 2010. This was a defining moment for me and to this day, over two years later, I have not recovered. Losing him changed every single thing about me....but I am determined now to be honest with myself and forge ahead to healing and once again being happy.

A brief introduction to myself - I am 33 years old and I live near Detroit, Michigan. I spent my younger years in the deep woods of northern Michigan which is tranquil, beautiful and boring to an only child like me. I grew up always wishing I had siblings because I spent most of my youth as a loner, especially when we lived miles and miles away from humanity.  I moved down to the metro Detroit area when I was 15 years old. I enjoyed high school down here and made a lot of great friends and had a lot of great experiences. After I graduated in 1997, I did the whole college thing and eventually went away to college at Central Michigan University in 1999. This is where I met my future hubby Brett. Brett and I had a relationship like nothing I ever dreamed possible, we had so much in common and could talk about anything for hours. I started driving him home on weekends (because it turned out our families lived close by each other) and from then on we were together all the time. He was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma on his 27th birthday in 2001 and we both left school and came back to the more experienced oncologists for him to undergo chemotherapy. In 2002, he underwent his first of two Stem Cell Transplants - the first one they used his own stem cells and the second one they harvested his mom's cells. We were married (in the middle of all the chaos) in October of 2002. The first transplant was unsuccessful and after another round of a stronger chemo, he had his second transplant in 2006. It was apparent very quickly that this transplant, like the first, was unsuccessful. At this point he began to undergo experimental chemotherapy treatments, including an oral trial. If you didn't know what was going on with him, you would have a hard time guessing because his spirit overcame all the obstacles. He always had an amazing attitude and up until the end, stayed positive about everything. I used to tell people that I loved my life....then of course I would get the "but your husband has cancer" strange looks, but I really meant it. I loved being with him, being married, sharing our lives together....I was lucky. My father, who had been diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma in the same month Brett was diagnosed, also underwent a Stem Cell Transplant but unfortunately passed away from complications in late 2007. Brett passed away in March of 2010 from a lung infection (that had gone unnoticed) that resulted in sepsis...it was too late and his body could not handle the stress of the massive infection. Making the decision to end his life support was the absolute hardest decision I EVER had to make but I knew I was doing the right thing for him.

I died on March 25, 2010 at 3:40pm, when my husband took his final breath......I walked back into our home and I literally lost my mind. I won't go into the entire experience but as I'm sure anyone can deduct, it was gut wrenching. Before Brett died I had been accepted into a professional track nursing program and started the classes 10 days after he died. I remember sitting in my first class thinking, none of these people even know what I'm feeling right now, it was hard but I stuck with it....it gave me something to do. Unfortunately, in December of 2011 I was dismissed from the nursing program (10 weeks before I was scheduled to graduate) because I did not get enough points to move forward. After I left this program, I started working towards my bachelor's degree in health care administration and am supposed to graduate in March 2013. I am hoping to use this degree to become a transplant coordinator and my dream job would be to work for Karmanos Cancer Institute. Maybe everything was meant to turn out this way, I have to believe that!

I am beyond blessed to have Brett's family (aka...my family) supporting me and encouraging me! they have all been amazing. My mother in law saved my life, literally. I was in such a depressed state when she took me in that I was scaring myself. I inherited two amazing nieces out of the deal who are beautiful, brilliant, spunky, strong, awesome and I love them like they are my own! My oldest niece is currently battling brain cancer but her spirit (like her uncle's) is so uplifting and inspirational!! I just adore them both so much! <3

I wanted to start a new blog for a few reasons...the first being I needed an outlet, a space to be honest and start to really look at myself and how I can get back to being Happy and peaceful again. The second reason is that I am hoping that my blog might be of help to someone else (if anyone ever reads it that is) who may be going through what I have went through!

Thanks for reading....hopefully I can actually get some followers and make this all worth while! spread the word!!