So as many of you know my family is very small and disconnected. When I married Brett I was so happy to be warmly welcomed into a loving family. Throughout our marriage they have always been supportive and caring. When Brett passed away I was scared that my relationship with them would eventually fade away but I was wrong. After Brett died I was laid off and when my unemployment ran out I ended up not being able to stay living on my own. Brett's mom and brother took me (and all but one of my animals) in to live with them. I literally had nowhere else to go and they took me in graciously. I don't know where I would be without them. This thanksgiving I am beyond thankful to have them in my life <3 that's all!
Friday, November 23, 2012
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Living in the in-between...
So I'm sitting here studying, which is not unusual for me on any given night....anyways, I was studying for my healthcare ethics class and I was reading about this thing called living in the in-between. It really got me thinking.
Living in the in-between is a concept under spirituality that says that we all have a point (many times several) where we face a precipus of two different sides of ourselves. Of course because this is a healthcare class, this concept is looked at through the eyes of a medical condition, long term illness or extreme injury. The concept goes as follows: lets say you are a strong, hard working, independent person who is suddenly involved in a horrendous car crash - you are now paralyzed and forced to rely on other people to help you. Even though you have always known yourself to be independent, you now have no choice but to be (at least somewhat for some period of time) dependent. Obviously this has to be a very trying experience and under this concept, you are now living in the in-between. You have to find a way to view yourself under a new context - as a disabled, somewhat dependent person. You still have the same emotions, desires, thoughts, and wishes for your life but your circumstances have forever been changed in ways that your brain cannot fully process or make sense of. Often times an experience like this can either make or break a person and spirituality (not necessarily in the religious sense) is examined because this becomes a test of what you are made of, so to speak.
The reason this got me thinking so much is because I think after Brett died, I have been facing living in the in-between. I still, 2 years later find myself getting almost angry that the life I knew and had with him is gone forever and will never be again. I have had the hardest time truly moving forward with my life because in some ways I feel like I don't even know myself anymore. Brett came into my life when I had just turned 19 and he left my life a few months after I turned 31. For those 12 years he was a part of me and I was a part of him. I have been able to deal with his death fairly "ok" (if there is even such a thing) but what seems to be the part I get stuck on is that my old life (the one we had together) is over. I feel like I have stepped a whole football field backwards in my life. I went from being a wife, a homemaker, a full time employee to a widow living in someone elses house (soooo thankful I even have a place to live with people I love and who love me) who works part time and goes to school part time. In many ways I am disappointed in myself because I feel like I should've done better.....I should've been able to "make it" after he died better than I have. I even have thoughts that I have let him down. I have a difficult time fighting the negative thoughts and I can honestly admit that I battle with depression every single day. In my heart of hearts, however, I really do want to be happy again. I know my life will never be the same but I dream of a day when my life will fill my heart with joy in a differnt way again. Reading about this living in-between thing made me realize that I am not alone in the struggles I face. Everyone faces loss (Brett's death alone obviously affected so many more people than myself) and I am sure that everyone has battled some depression, loss and losing what they knew only to start again.
Just got me thinking is all and I wanted to share. I am dedicated to not letting the depression overtake my life (as it has at points). I have hope in my heart and I really believe that one day.....things will get better. I had a dream the other night with both Brett and my dad in it - thats the first time that has ever happened. It was nice to see them both because there are no words to express how much I miss them. In fact, today marks the 5th anniversary of my daddy's passing as well :( I will get through this in-between thing to come out on the other side...if only for my two heros <3
Living in the in-between is a concept under spirituality that says that we all have a point (many times several) where we face a precipus of two different sides of ourselves. Of course because this is a healthcare class, this concept is looked at through the eyes of a medical condition, long term illness or extreme injury. The concept goes as follows: lets say you are a strong, hard working, independent person who is suddenly involved in a horrendous car crash - you are now paralyzed and forced to rely on other people to help you. Even though you have always known yourself to be independent, you now have no choice but to be (at least somewhat for some period of time) dependent. Obviously this has to be a very trying experience and under this concept, you are now living in the in-between. You have to find a way to view yourself under a new context - as a disabled, somewhat dependent person. You still have the same emotions, desires, thoughts, and wishes for your life but your circumstances have forever been changed in ways that your brain cannot fully process or make sense of. Often times an experience like this can either make or break a person and spirituality (not necessarily in the religious sense) is examined because this becomes a test of what you are made of, so to speak.
The reason this got me thinking so much is because I think after Brett died, I have been facing living in the in-between. I still, 2 years later find myself getting almost angry that the life I knew and had with him is gone forever and will never be again. I have had the hardest time truly moving forward with my life because in some ways I feel like I don't even know myself anymore. Brett came into my life when I had just turned 19 and he left my life a few months after I turned 31. For those 12 years he was a part of me and I was a part of him. I have been able to deal with his death fairly "ok" (if there is even such a thing) but what seems to be the part I get stuck on is that my old life (the one we had together) is over. I feel like I have stepped a whole football field backwards in my life. I went from being a wife, a homemaker, a full time employee to a widow living in someone elses house (soooo thankful I even have a place to live with people I love and who love me) who works part time and goes to school part time. In many ways I am disappointed in myself because I feel like I should've done better.....I should've been able to "make it" after he died better than I have. I even have thoughts that I have let him down. I have a difficult time fighting the negative thoughts and I can honestly admit that I battle with depression every single day. In my heart of hearts, however, I really do want to be happy again. I know my life will never be the same but I dream of a day when my life will fill my heart with joy in a differnt way again. Reading about this living in-between thing made me realize that I am not alone in the struggles I face. Everyone faces loss (Brett's death alone obviously affected so many more people than myself) and I am sure that everyone has battled some depression, loss and losing what they knew only to start again.
Just got me thinking is all and I wanted to share. I am dedicated to not letting the depression overtake my life (as it has at points). I have hope in my heart and I really believe that one day.....things will get better. I had a dream the other night with both Brett and my dad in it - thats the first time that has ever happened. It was nice to see them both because there are no words to express how much I miss them. In fact, today marks the 5th anniversary of my daddy's passing as well :( I will get through this in-between thing to come out on the other side...if only for my two heros <3
Monday, November 5, 2012
Growing up
So I know it has been a while since I've posted but today was a pretty monumental day for me so I wanted to share it! Today I met with the dean of my program and applied for both my externship and graduation. I was ushered from one office to the next, meeting with one important person and then the next.....all the while the intensity of the content didn't hit me until I was sitting in the cafeteria awaiting the start of my night class. I was officially set to graduate. June 8th to be exact, I will be walking and getting my Bachelor's Degree in Healthcare Administration! I have to say there is a small part of myself that is really proud to announce that! Most of my friends and people I grew up with have already graduated from college (long ago in fact) and to some, me getting my degree means virtually nothing but to me, it means the world. I have been in college for what seems like an eternity and finally I will be able to say that I, no one else, made it and will walk away with that little piece of expensive paper that says I am an official college graduate!
Of course I have to tie Brett into this because he and I had numerous conversations about college and getting our degrees, not surprising since we met in college! he was always so dedicated and wanted nothing more than to graduate because the way he saw it was that a degree was something you earned yourself, could be proud of and no one could take away from you. When I made the decision to start going to Baker for Nursing, he was MORE than supportive. When I first started I was working full time and taking night classes (4 hour long night classes....gotta love BC) 4 nights a week. I don't even remember many of those days because I was so overwhelmed. Part of me felt bad because my education was taking away some time I could be spending with my husband but it was he who pushed me to keep going. When I was finally accepted into the nursing program, it was HE who made sure I got all my paperwork in, medical records updated, etc. When he passed away I sat there for two days trying to decide if I would actually start the nursing program or not.....after lots of thought and conversations with his mom I decided to do it. I realize that I am no longer in the nursing program and will not be graduating as an RN but things changed and my path took a different course. No my dream was not to become a healthcare administrator but my dream WAS to help people and make a difference in the world.....hopefully with this degree (and maybe a Master's degree) I will be able to do that.
When the day comes for me to celebrate my graduation it will be bittersweet to do it without Brett by my side but in my heart I know that I could never have done any of it without him...and still to this day, he's with me encouraging me to keep going.
I am finally starting to feel like a grown up, at almost 34 years old! I feel like with this degree, I will have officially matured into a productive member of the world who, hopefully can do something to make things better in the healthcare system....in honor of my love. It's never to old to get your education!! I am proud of myself for not giving up after the nursing program and I cannot wait to celebrate the day I graduate!!!
Of course I have to tie Brett into this because he and I had numerous conversations about college and getting our degrees, not surprising since we met in college! he was always so dedicated and wanted nothing more than to graduate because the way he saw it was that a degree was something you earned yourself, could be proud of and no one could take away from you. When I made the decision to start going to Baker for Nursing, he was MORE than supportive. When I first started I was working full time and taking night classes (4 hour long night classes....gotta love BC) 4 nights a week. I don't even remember many of those days because I was so overwhelmed. Part of me felt bad because my education was taking away some time I could be spending with my husband but it was he who pushed me to keep going. When I was finally accepted into the nursing program, it was HE who made sure I got all my paperwork in, medical records updated, etc. When he passed away I sat there for two days trying to decide if I would actually start the nursing program or not.....after lots of thought and conversations with his mom I decided to do it. I realize that I am no longer in the nursing program and will not be graduating as an RN but things changed and my path took a different course. No my dream was not to become a healthcare administrator but my dream WAS to help people and make a difference in the world.....hopefully with this degree (and maybe a Master's degree) I will be able to do that.
When the day comes for me to celebrate my graduation it will be bittersweet to do it without Brett by my side but in my heart I know that I could never have done any of it without him...and still to this day, he's with me encouraging me to keep going.
I am finally starting to feel like a grown up, at almost 34 years old! I feel like with this degree, I will have officially matured into a productive member of the world who, hopefully can do something to make things better in the healthcare system....in honor of my love. It's never to old to get your education!! I am proud of myself for not giving up after the nursing program and I cannot wait to celebrate the day I graduate!!!
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