Wednesday, February 6, 2013
5 second poetry
For the day that you said never mind to the day you looked away
The moment when we came to be and the time before that day
I’ve loved you long gone past forever more, forever still
We’ve drawn the line, walked the walk and drove over the hill
So now the time has come to say its time to say goodbye
I’m sure my heart will always beat for you until the day I die
Friday, November 23, 2012
Thankful
So as many of you know my family is very small and disconnected. When I married Brett I was so happy to be warmly welcomed into a loving family. Throughout our marriage they have always been supportive and caring. When Brett passed away I was scared that my relationship with them would eventually fade away but I was wrong. After Brett died I was laid off and when my unemployment ran out I ended up not being able to stay living on my own. Brett's mom and brother took me (and all but one of my animals) in to live with them. I literally had nowhere else to go and they took me in graciously. I don't know where I would be without them. This thanksgiving I am beyond thankful to have them in my life <3 that's all!
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Living in the in-between...
So I'm sitting here studying, which is not unusual for me on any given night....anyways, I was studying for my healthcare ethics class and I was reading about this thing called living in the in-between. It really got me thinking.
Living in the in-between is a concept under spirituality that says that we all have a point (many times several) where we face a precipus of two different sides of ourselves. Of course because this is a healthcare class, this concept is looked at through the eyes of a medical condition, long term illness or extreme injury. The concept goes as follows: lets say you are a strong, hard working, independent person who is suddenly involved in a horrendous car crash - you are now paralyzed and forced to rely on other people to help you. Even though you have always known yourself to be independent, you now have no choice but to be (at least somewhat for some period of time) dependent. Obviously this has to be a very trying experience and under this concept, you are now living in the in-between. You have to find a way to view yourself under a new context - as a disabled, somewhat dependent person. You still have the same emotions, desires, thoughts, and wishes for your life but your circumstances have forever been changed in ways that your brain cannot fully process or make sense of. Often times an experience like this can either make or break a person and spirituality (not necessarily in the religious sense) is examined because this becomes a test of what you are made of, so to speak.
The reason this got me thinking so much is because I think after Brett died, I have been facing living in the in-between. I still, 2 years later find myself getting almost angry that the life I knew and had with him is gone forever and will never be again. I have had the hardest time truly moving forward with my life because in some ways I feel like I don't even know myself anymore. Brett came into my life when I had just turned 19 and he left my life a few months after I turned 31. For those 12 years he was a part of me and I was a part of him. I have been able to deal with his death fairly "ok" (if there is even such a thing) but what seems to be the part I get stuck on is that my old life (the one we had together) is over. I feel like I have stepped a whole football field backwards in my life. I went from being a wife, a homemaker, a full time employee to a widow living in someone elses house (soooo thankful I even have a place to live with people I love and who love me) who works part time and goes to school part time. In many ways I am disappointed in myself because I feel like I should've done better.....I should've been able to "make it" after he died better than I have. I even have thoughts that I have let him down. I have a difficult time fighting the negative thoughts and I can honestly admit that I battle with depression every single day. In my heart of hearts, however, I really do want to be happy again. I know my life will never be the same but I dream of a day when my life will fill my heart with joy in a differnt way again. Reading about this living in-between thing made me realize that I am not alone in the struggles I face. Everyone faces loss (Brett's death alone obviously affected so many more people than myself) and I am sure that everyone has battled some depression, loss and losing what they knew only to start again.
Just got me thinking is all and I wanted to share. I am dedicated to not letting the depression overtake my life (as it has at points). I have hope in my heart and I really believe that one day.....things will get better. I had a dream the other night with both Brett and my dad in it - thats the first time that has ever happened. It was nice to see them both because there are no words to express how much I miss them. In fact, today marks the 5th anniversary of my daddy's passing as well :( I will get through this in-between thing to come out on the other side...if only for my two heros <3
Living in the in-between is a concept under spirituality that says that we all have a point (many times several) where we face a precipus of two different sides of ourselves. Of course because this is a healthcare class, this concept is looked at through the eyes of a medical condition, long term illness or extreme injury. The concept goes as follows: lets say you are a strong, hard working, independent person who is suddenly involved in a horrendous car crash - you are now paralyzed and forced to rely on other people to help you. Even though you have always known yourself to be independent, you now have no choice but to be (at least somewhat for some period of time) dependent. Obviously this has to be a very trying experience and under this concept, you are now living in the in-between. You have to find a way to view yourself under a new context - as a disabled, somewhat dependent person. You still have the same emotions, desires, thoughts, and wishes for your life but your circumstances have forever been changed in ways that your brain cannot fully process or make sense of. Often times an experience like this can either make or break a person and spirituality (not necessarily in the religious sense) is examined because this becomes a test of what you are made of, so to speak.
The reason this got me thinking so much is because I think after Brett died, I have been facing living in the in-between. I still, 2 years later find myself getting almost angry that the life I knew and had with him is gone forever and will never be again. I have had the hardest time truly moving forward with my life because in some ways I feel like I don't even know myself anymore. Brett came into my life when I had just turned 19 and he left my life a few months after I turned 31. For those 12 years he was a part of me and I was a part of him. I have been able to deal with his death fairly "ok" (if there is even such a thing) but what seems to be the part I get stuck on is that my old life (the one we had together) is over. I feel like I have stepped a whole football field backwards in my life. I went from being a wife, a homemaker, a full time employee to a widow living in someone elses house (soooo thankful I even have a place to live with people I love and who love me) who works part time and goes to school part time. In many ways I am disappointed in myself because I feel like I should've done better.....I should've been able to "make it" after he died better than I have. I even have thoughts that I have let him down. I have a difficult time fighting the negative thoughts and I can honestly admit that I battle with depression every single day. In my heart of hearts, however, I really do want to be happy again. I know my life will never be the same but I dream of a day when my life will fill my heart with joy in a differnt way again. Reading about this living in-between thing made me realize that I am not alone in the struggles I face. Everyone faces loss (Brett's death alone obviously affected so many more people than myself) and I am sure that everyone has battled some depression, loss and losing what they knew only to start again.
Just got me thinking is all and I wanted to share. I am dedicated to not letting the depression overtake my life (as it has at points). I have hope in my heart and I really believe that one day.....things will get better. I had a dream the other night with both Brett and my dad in it - thats the first time that has ever happened. It was nice to see them both because there are no words to express how much I miss them. In fact, today marks the 5th anniversary of my daddy's passing as well :( I will get through this in-between thing to come out on the other side...if only for my two heros <3
Monday, November 5, 2012
Growing up
So I know it has been a while since I've posted but today was a pretty monumental day for me so I wanted to share it! Today I met with the dean of my program and applied for both my externship and graduation. I was ushered from one office to the next, meeting with one important person and then the next.....all the while the intensity of the content didn't hit me until I was sitting in the cafeteria awaiting the start of my night class. I was officially set to graduate. June 8th to be exact, I will be walking and getting my Bachelor's Degree in Healthcare Administration! I have to say there is a small part of myself that is really proud to announce that! Most of my friends and people I grew up with have already graduated from college (long ago in fact) and to some, me getting my degree means virtually nothing but to me, it means the world. I have been in college for what seems like an eternity and finally I will be able to say that I, no one else, made it and will walk away with that little piece of expensive paper that says I am an official college graduate!
Of course I have to tie Brett into this because he and I had numerous conversations about college and getting our degrees, not surprising since we met in college! he was always so dedicated and wanted nothing more than to graduate because the way he saw it was that a degree was something you earned yourself, could be proud of and no one could take away from you. When I made the decision to start going to Baker for Nursing, he was MORE than supportive. When I first started I was working full time and taking night classes (4 hour long night classes....gotta love BC) 4 nights a week. I don't even remember many of those days because I was so overwhelmed. Part of me felt bad because my education was taking away some time I could be spending with my husband but it was he who pushed me to keep going. When I was finally accepted into the nursing program, it was HE who made sure I got all my paperwork in, medical records updated, etc. When he passed away I sat there for two days trying to decide if I would actually start the nursing program or not.....after lots of thought and conversations with his mom I decided to do it. I realize that I am no longer in the nursing program and will not be graduating as an RN but things changed and my path took a different course. No my dream was not to become a healthcare administrator but my dream WAS to help people and make a difference in the world.....hopefully with this degree (and maybe a Master's degree) I will be able to do that.
When the day comes for me to celebrate my graduation it will be bittersweet to do it without Brett by my side but in my heart I know that I could never have done any of it without him...and still to this day, he's with me encouraging me to keep going.
I am finally starting to feel like a grown up, at almost 34 years old! I feel like with this degree, I will have officially matured into a productive member of the world who, hopefully can do something to make things better in the healthcare system....in honor of my love. It's never to old to get your education!! I am proud of myself for not giving up after the nursing program and I cannot wait to celebrate the day I graduate!!!
Of course I have to tie Brett into this because he and I had numerous conversations about college and getting our degrees, not surprising since we met in college! he was always so dedicated and wanted nothing more than to graduate because the way he saw it was that a degree was something you earned yourself, could be proud of and no one could take away from you. When I made the decision to start going to Baker for Nursing, he was MORE than supportive. When I first started I was working full time and taking night classes (4 hour long night classes....gotta love BC) 4 nights a week. I don't even remember many of those days because I was so overwhelmed. Part of me felt bad because my education was taking away some time I could be spending with my husband but it was he who pushed me to keep going. When I was finally accepted into the nursing program, it was HE who made sure I got all my paperwork in, medical records updated, etc. When he passed away I sat there for two days trying to decide if I would actually start the nursing program or not.....after lots of thought and conversations with his mom I decided to do it. I realize that I am no longer in the nursing program and will not be graduating as an RN but things changed and my path took a different course. No my dream was not to become a healthcare administrator but my dream WAS to help people and make a difference in the world.....hopefully with this degree (and maybe a Master's degree) I will be able to do that.
When the day comes for me to celebrate my graduation it will be bittersweet to do it without Brett by my side but in my heart I know that I could never have done any of it without him...and still to this day, he's with me encouraging me to keep going.
I am finally starting to feel like a grown up, at almost 34 years old! I feel like with this degree, I will have officially matured into a productive member of the world who, hopefully can do something to make things better in the healthcare system....in honor of my love. It's never to old to get your education!! I am proud of myself for not giving up after the nursing program and I cannot wait to celebrate the day I graduate!!!
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Random thoughts
So here I sit at 2 am....have to work tomorrow from noon till midnight, which is a good thing since I need the money! I wish I could find a second job but with school starting again in three weeks, it's really not feasible right now. Starting in fall I am going to be so busy since I'm graduating in less than six months!!! woot woot! <--- where did "woot woot" come from? can someone enlighten me? yes I have jointed the woot woot train but I have no earthly idea where this saying came from. So I took my last final exam for summer classes last week and I have already reached the bordem stage...I'm so used to studying all the flipping time that when school ends I have no idea what to do with myself! its comical actually. What other 33 year old woman do you know who wants to study? I should have been done with college ten years ago <--- Life seems to always mess up the plans we make for ourselves and unfortunatley you don't realize this until many years have passed...sometimes good things happen and other times not so good things happen. I am sitting here wide awake as always, I spend nearly every night "wide awake" and I'm watching Big Brother After Dark on Showtime insert pathetic-ness here. I am such a BB addict! although now it has gotten so boring because my favorite player is gone :(. sometimes I imagine what it would be like if I was on BB.....
Spent a couple days hanging out with my beautiful niece Kendall :-) I always love spending time with her! she keeps me young and makes me smile. Her older sister, my other beautiful niece Cailin was in Ann Arbor undergoing her treatment for Brain Cancer so fricking sad :-( so I didn't get to spend time with her but I miss her to pieces!! I am so blessed to have 2 great nieces, since I am only child I would have never had that experience had I not married into the family who graciously kept me after Brett died.....ah....mazing!
This is probably the most boring blog in the history of blogs doesn't really matter because I don't have any readers anyways LMAO so I supposed I will lay down now and play games on my iPhone :-) if anyone does read this....I hope you're having a peaceful night!!
Spent a couple days hanging out with my beautiful niece Kendall :-) I always love spending time with her! she keeps me young and makes me smile. Her older sister, my other beautiful niece Cailin was in Ann Arbor undergoing her treatment for Brain Cancer so fricking sad :-( so I didn't get to spend time with her but I miss her to pieces!! I am so blessed to have 2 great nieces, since I am only child I would have never had that experience had I not married into the family who graciously kept me after Brett died.....ah....mazing!
This is probably the most boring blog in the history of blogs doesn't really matter because I don't have any readers anyways LMAO so I supposed I will lay down now and play games on my iPhone :-) if anyone does read this....I hope you're having a peaceful night!!
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Ode to My Dogs :-)
So I have two dogs, three if you count my boyfriend's dog in the mix....which I do! He too is like one of my babies. I am such an aminal lover and my dogs literally keep me sane, which is a big undertaking on their part! After Brett died and I spent the next year living alone, my two boys, Luke and Gino were all I had. Everytime I was upset they would both stay right by my side (like they weren't already always by my side). I felt better just having them there and safer too....because lets face it, living alone as a woman isn't a joke, especially where I was living at the time. Neither one of them could ever really "defend me" but I'll tell you what if someone broke it, I and the entire neighboorhood would know it. I would like to introduce them to you.....
Lucas (aka, Dookie, Luke, Lukie, Shithead (my dad's fav lol)):
We got luke in April of 2008, my mom bought him for us from a pet store, which was never how Brett and I planned on getting our first dog but she was trying to make us feel better. A good friend of mine, Andre had passed away and I was pretty upset over the whole thing. One day she came home from work with this tiny little guy in her arms. She handed him over to me and I fell in love. Brett immediatley named him "Luke" because he had a dark mussle and reminded him of Darth Vader (I always thought Vader would have been a better name, but who am I lol).
Lucas (aka, Dookie, Luke, Lukie, Shithead (my dad's fav lol)):
We got luke in April of 2008, my mom bought him for us from a pet store, which was never how Brett and I planned on getting our first dog but she was trying to make us feel better. A good friend of mine, Andre had passed away and I was pretty upset over the whole thing. One day she came home from work with this tiny little guy in her arms. She handed him over to me and I fell in love. Brett immediatley named him "Luke" because he had a dark mussle and reminded him of Darth Vader (I always thought Vader would have been a better name, but who am I lol).
This was the first night we had him....CUTE!
The story behind why she picked Luke was that she went to a pet store near where we lived and asked for a Boxer puppy.....they said all they had was Puggles. She looked them over and thought they weren't that cute so she asked if they had anymore dogs. The lady said they had a few more in the bad but they were "rejects" (how mean right?!). That was when she brought out Luke....he was considered a reject because he had the short mussle and was bread to have a longer one, he was discounted. Poor dookie!!! We loved him and thought he was great!!
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Things that make you go hmmmm
First of all, who recognizes the title??? only people around my age probably! I used to love that song lol :-)
I wanted to write this post to share the things in my life that make me happy, make me who I am and inspire me.
My favorite things of all time.....
1. Music, music, music...when I am down, thoughful, happy, whatever I always listen to music! Some of my all time favorite singers/groups include: Alanis Morisette, Lifehouse, Dave Matthews, Seether, Aerosmith, Green Day, Barenaked Ladies, Blink 182, Metalica, Joe Satriani - I'm going to stop there but I could literally write an entire post on just music and how it has impacted my life (hmm..idea for another post?, possibly)
2. Animals - I love animals, all animals. I currently live in a house with 3 dogs and 2 cats and I love every second of the zoo-like craziness! When I was a kid I wanted to grow up to be a Vet but then I realized that for some reason (don't take this the wrong way) but I can handle human suffering more than animal suffering. What kills me everytime are those Natalie Merchant commercials with the dogs and cats locked in cages.....I literally HAVE to turn the channel or I will completely lose my shit.
3. Writing - I have been writing for as long as I can remember, not for accomplishment but for self reflection and release. From the time I was 10 until just recently I kept a hand written journal (and yes, I have actually went back and read some of the entries, crazy how life changes). I also like to write poetry and short stories.
4. Of course the people I love and who love me...this would obviously (I'm assuming this goes without saying but I'll say it anyways) be top priority to me. I have a VERY small family, I am an only child and my biological family (that I have relationships with) literally consists of my mom, her mother and her brother. I have been distant from my dad's family since he passed away, I'm not sure why we just lost touch. Brett's family is awesome which I already spoke about. My friends mean a lot to me as well. Anyone willing to love me for me and stand by me when I need them.....favs!
Some things I don't like very much:
- judgmental people, people who think they are somehow better than someone else
- liars and people that cannot be trusted or relied upon to watch your back
- BIGGEST pet peave....people who "hit below the belt", I literally cannot stand people who take other people's weaknesses and use them against them! that breaks my heart and I will defend anyone on this one
- on a casual note, I hate bees, wasps, anything that chases me and stings me - I am SO not the girl that can stand by idly while something buzzes around my head "just stand stand still and they won't sting you"....F THAT! I'm swatting a bitch!
Random favs:
- wind, trees, laying in the grass
- fireworks
- long car rides (with loads of music of course)
- cake!
- ice cold pop....ICE COLD, slurpees perferred!
- TV and movies
- fluffy blankets
- food, really food of any kind is good enough for me
- the color purple (not the movie)
- new pens!!
- mechanical pencils
- Disney movies (Lion King was my all time favorite)
- sleep
- snow storms
Ok, I'm done for now! Goodnight all :)
I wanted to write this post to share the things in my life that make me happy, make me who I am and inspire me.
My favorite things of all time.....
1. Music, music, music...when I am down, thoughful, happy, whatever I always listen to music! Some of my all time favorite singers/groups include: Alanis Morisette, Lifehouse, Dave Matthews, Seether, Aerosmith, Green Day, Barenaked Ladies, Blink 182, Metalica, Joe Satriani - I'm going to stop there but I could literally write an entire post on just music and how it has impacted my life (hmm..idea for another post?, possibly)
2. Animals - I love animals, all animals. I currently live in a house with 3 dogs and 2 cats and I love every second of the zoo-like craziness! When I was a kid I wanted to grow up to be a Vet but then I realized that for some reason (don't take this the wrong way) but I can handle human suffering more than animal suffering. What kills me everytime are those Natalie Merchant commercials with the dogs and cats locked in cages.....I literally HAVE to turn the channel or I will completely lose my shit.
3. Writing - I have been writing for as long as I can remember, not for accomplishment but for self reflection and release. From the time I was 10 until just recently I kept a hand written journal (and yes, I have actually went back and read some of the entries, crazy how life changes). I also like to write poetry and short stories.
4. Of course the people I love and who love me...this would obviously (I'm assuming this goes without saying but I'll say it anyways) be top priority to me. I have a VERY small family, I am an only child and my biological family (that I have relationships with) literally consists of my mom, her mother and her brother. I have been distant from my dad's family since he passed away, I'm not sure why we just lost touch. Brett's family is awesome which I already spoke about. My friends mean a lot to me as well. Anyone willing to love me for me and stand by me when I need them.....favs!
Some things I don't like very much:
- judgmental people, people who think they are somehow better than someone else
- liars and people that cannot be trusted or relied upon to watch your back
- BIGGEST pet peave....people who "hit below the belt", I literally cannot stand people who take other people's weaknesses and use them against them! that breaks my heart and I will defend anyone on this one
- on a casual note, I hate bees, wasps, anything that chases me and stings me - I am SO not the girl that can stand by idly while something buzzes around my head "just stand stand still and they won't sting you"....F THAT! I'm swatting a bitch!
Random favs:
- wind, trees, laying in the grass
- fireworks
- long car rides (with loads of music of course)
- cake!
- ice cold pop....ICE COLD, slurpees perferred!
- TV and movies
- fluffy blankets
- food, really food of any kind is good enough for me
- the color purple (not the movie)
- new pens!!
- mechanical pencils
- Disney movies (Lion King was my all time favorite)
- sleep
- snow storms
Ok, I'm done for now! Goodnight all :)
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