So I'm sitting here studying, which is not unusual for me on any given night....anyways, I was studying for my healthcare ethics class and I was reading about this thing called living in the in-between. It really got me thinking.
Living in the in-between is a concept under spirituality that says that we all have a point (many times several) where we face a precipus of two different sides of ourselves. Of course because this is a healthcare class, this concept is looked at through the eyes of a medical condition, long term illness or extreme injury. The concept goes as follows: lets say you are a strong, hard working, independent person who is suddenly involved in a horrendous car crash - you are now paralyzed and forced to rely on other people to help you. Even though you have always known yourself to be independent, you now have no choice but to be (at least somewhat for some period of time) dependent. Obviously this has to be a very trying experience and under this concept, you are now living in the in-between. You have to find a way to view yourself under a new context - as a disabled, somewhat dependent person. You still have the same emotions, desires, thoughts, and wishes for your life but your circumstances have forever been changed in ways that your brain cannot fully process or make sense of. Often times an experience like this can either make or break a person and spirituality (not necessarily in the religious sense) is examined because this becomes a test of what you are made of, so to speak.
The reason this got me thinking so much is because I think after Brett died, I have been facing living in the in-between. I still, 2 years later find myself getting almost angry that the life I knew and had with him is gone forever and will never be again. I have had the hardest time truly moving forward with my life because in some ways I feel like I don't even know myself anymore. Brett came into my life when I had just turned 19 and he left my life a few months after I turned 31. For those 12 years he was a part of me and I was a part of him. I have been able to deal with his death fairly "ok" (if there is even such a thing) but what seems to be the part I get stuck on is that my old life (the one we had together) is over. I feel like I have stepped a whole football field backwards in my life. I went from being a wife, a homemaker, a full time employee to a widow living in someone elses house (soooo thankful I even have a place to live with people I love and who love me) who works part time and goes to school part time. In many ways I am disappointed in myself because I feel like I should've done better.....I should've been able to "make it" after he died better than I have. I even have thoughts that I have let him down. I have a difficult time fighting the negative thoughts and I can honestly admit that I battle with depression every single day. In my heart of hearts, however, I really do want to be happy again. I know my life will never be the same but I dream of a day when my life will fill my heart with joy in a differnt way again. Reading about this living in-between thing made me realize that I am not alone in the struggles I face. Everyone faces loss (Brett's death alone obviously affected so many more people than myself) and I am sure that everyone has battled some depression, loss and losing what they knew only to start again.
Just got me thinking is all and I wanted to share. I am dedicated to not letting the depression overtake my life (as it has at points). I have hope in my heart and I really believe that one day.....things will get better. I had a dream the other night with both Brett and my dad in it - thats the first time that has ever happened. It was nice to see them both because there are no words to express how much I miss them. In fact, today marks the 5th anniversary of my daddy's passing as well :( I will get through this in-between thing to come out on the other side...if only for my two heros <3
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