Hello world...

Hey there everyone! My name is Janice (although I have been going by my middle name which is Nicole since I was 19 years old). I am complicated, emotional, fun loving and determined to get my life back on track. For those of you who have read my previous blog www.cancerandwidowhoodcannot.org know all about how I lost my husband to cancer in March of 2010. This was a defining moment for me and to this day, over two years later, I have not recovered. Losing him changed every single thing about me....but I am determined now to be honest with myself and forge ahead to healing and once again being happy.

A brief introduction to myself - I am 33 years old and I live near Detroit, Michigan. I spent my younger years in the deep woods of northern Michigan which is tranquil, beautiful and boring to an only child like me. I grew up always wishing I had siblings because I spent most of my youth as a loner, especially when we lived miles and miles away from humanity.  I moved down to the metro Detroit area when I was 15 years old. I enjoyed high school down here and made a lot of great friends and had a lot of great experiences. After I graduated in 1997, I did the whole college thing and eventually went away to college at Central Michigan University in 1999. This is where I met my future hubby Brett. Brett and I had a relationship like nothing I ever dreamed possible, we had so much in common and could talk about anything for hours. I started driving him home on weekends (because it turned out our families lived close by each other) and from then on we were together all the time. He was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma on his 27th birthday in 2001 and we both left school and came back to the more experienced oncologists for him to undergo chemotherapy. In 2002, he underwent his first of two Stem Cell Transplants - the first one they used his own stem cells and the second one they harvested his mom's cells. We were married (in the middle of all the chaos) in October of 2002. The first transplant was unsuccessful and after another round of a stronger chemo, he had his second transplant in 2006. It was apparent very quickly that this transplant, like the first, was unsuccessful. At this point he began to undergo experimental chemotherapy treatments, including an oral trial. If you didn't know what was going on with him, you would have a hard time guessing because his spirit overcame all the obstacles. He always had an amazing attitude and up until the end, stayed positive about everything. I used to tell people that I loved my life....then of course I would get the "but your husband has cancer" strange looks, but I really meant it. I loved being with him, being married, sharing our lives together....I was lucky. My father, who had been diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma in the same month Brett was diagnosed, also underwent a Stem Cell Transplant but unfortunately passed away from complications in late 2007. Brett passed away in March of 2010 from a lung infection (that had gone unnoticed) that resulted in sepsis...it was too late and his body could not handle the stress of the massive infection. Making the decision to end his life support was the absolute hardest decision I EVER had to make but I knew I was doing the right thing for him.

I died on March 25, 2010 at 3:40pm, when my husband took his final breath......I walked back into our home and I literally lost my mind. I won't go into the entire experience but as I'm sure anyone can deduct, it was gut wrenching. Before Brett died I had been accepted into a professional track nursing program and started the classes 10 days after he died. I remember sitting in my first class thinking, none of these people even know what I'm feeling right now, it was hard but I stuck with it....it gave me something to do. Unfortunately, in December of 2011 I was dismissed from the nursing program (10 weeks before I was scheduled to graduate) because I did not get enough points to move forward. After I left this program, I started working towards my bachelor's degree in health care administration and am supposed to graduate in March 2013. I am hoping to use this degree to become a transplant coordinator and my dream job would be to work for Karmanos Cancer Institute. Maybe everything was meant to turn out this way, I have to believe that!

I am beyond blessed to have Brett's family (aka...my family) supporting me and encouraging me! they have all been amazing. My mother in law saved my life, literally. I was in such a depressed state when she took me in that I was scaring myself. I inherited two amazing nieces out of the deal who are beautiful, brilliant, spunky, strong, awesome and I love them like they are my own! My oldest niece is currently battling brain cancer but her spirit (like her uncle's) is so uplifting and inspirational!! I just adore them both so much! <3

I wanted to start a new blog for a few reasons...the first being I needed an outlet, a space to be honest and start to really look at myself and how I can get back to being Happy and peaceful again. The second reason is that I am hoping that my blog might be of help to someone else (if anyone ever reads it that is) who may be going through what I have went through!

Thanks for reading....hopefully I can actually get some followers and make this all worth while! spread the word!!